The Final Crusade td-76 Read online

  "Victory!"

  That wasn't what Eldon Sluggard had in mind, but it sounded good so he went with it.

  "Yes! Victory! Victory over Islam. God has called us to a sacred mission and we're gonna accomplish it. And there's one thing I want you to know when we get out there. When all holy hell breaks loose and the bullets are flyin', you remember that bullets are part of the natural world. But you and Ah are part of the spiritual world because we are fortified with the Holy Spirit. And everyone knows that bullets can't touch the Holy Spirit. "

  "Praise be to the Lord," cried the Paladins of the Lord.

  "All right, Reverend-Majors, get your units together! We're going to make Holy War!"

  And Reverend-General Sluggard marched topside. The Knights of the Lord followed him in double rows, marching lock-step. He had made them practice the lock-step on the voyage. It was the only military skill he knew. He didn't know beans about guns.

  The Persian Gulf air was salty and cool. It was night. A low dark line off the starboard bow was the coast of Iran. It looked foreboding. Here and there lantern-rigged dhows sat on the still water like resting butterflies.

  "Start lowering the boats," Reverend-General Eldon Sluggard ordered.

  Remo and Chiun arrived at the place marked on the map they had taken from the Christian Campground. It was a tree-covered rise overlooking the Gulf.

  "Here," proclaimed Chiun, folding up the map. He slid off the donkey Remo was leading.

  "I ride the donkey on the way back," Remo muttered.

  "Done," said Chiun. who expected to leave Iran by ship. They emerged from a clump of olive trees. The water hissed on the sand below.

  "Is that the ship?"

  Chiun's eyes narrowed. "It says Seaworthy Gargantuan. It is the name of the ship we saw departing America. "

  "Okay, now what do we do? Your great plan is out, unless you think the Crusaders can't read English."

  "And I suppose you have a wonderful white plan of your own?" Chiun squeaked.

  "Actually not," Remo admitted worriedly. His hearing had picked up sounds, low, disturbing sounds.

  Out on the water, a flotilla of speedboats was coming from all directions. They were converging on the Seaworthy Gargantuan.

  "Revolutionary Guards," Remo said. "They're going for the tanker."

  "And land forces too," added Chiun.

  Remo turned. Coming up the road were tanks, jeeps, and armored personnel carriers. In the lead was an open jeep, and standing in the back, clutching a copy of the Koran, was the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. Behind him General Mefki's glassy-eyed head bounced. It was perched on the end of a stick.

  "Looks like there's been a power struggle with the military," Remo said drily. "Guess who lost."

  The vehicles slowed to a halt. The Grand Ayatollah dismounted and walked to a vantage point where he could survey the Gulf.

  "Marg bar Amrika!" he shouted shaking the Koran over his head. "Let them drown in their own blood." A screaming horde of Revolutionary Guards poured out of the vehicles. They wore red headbands with revolutionary slogans written on them in white script. Out in the Gulf, the booming voice of Reverend Sluggard reverberated.

  "God is on our side. Let's whip them ragheads!" he shouted.

  "Smite them! Allah wills it," returned the Grand Ayatollah.

  "You see?" Chiun shouted. "You see, Remo? They call upon the Supreme Creator to aid them in their ridiculous quarrel. Because they call him by different names, fools are willing to go to their deaths."

  "So what do we do?"

  "You despise the Iranians, do you not?"

  "Yeah."

  "I make a gift of them to you. I will deal with the Sluggard."

  "But-" Remo began. Before he could react, Chiun was running down to the water.

  "What the hell," Remo said. He doubled back on the Iranian land force. They were bunched up, exactly counter to all modern rules of close-quarters combat. And they were standing there shouting, "Down, down, USA! Down, down, USA!"

  "Up yours!" Remo said, and started to work on them. On the deck of the Seaworthy Gargantuan, Reverend-General Eldon Sluggard saw the speedboats approach. "While you-all are gettin' into the water," he said, "let me speed you on your way with a few words from the Good Book." He opened his mock Bible and began to recite.

  " 'Though Ah walk into the Valley of Death, Ah will fear no Ah-ranian for Ah am the meanest sonovabitch in the valley.' "

  "Oh, shut up," Victoria Hoar snapped. She was suddenly beside him. "Get into one of those goddamned boats. You're supposed to be their leader, not their cheerleader. "

  "Ah'm shoutin' encouragment," he protested. "Ah'll be along once they're rollin'."

  Victoria Hoar reached down and pulled one of the throwing knives from Sluggard's own boot. She placed the point at his crotch and warned, "They still make eunuchs in this part of the world. You'd fit right in."

  "Ah'm goin'," promised Reverend-General Sluggard. Then, from across the water, there was a sudden hush. Not even the speedboats could smother it. The hush was momentary. It was followed by a long, low sigh. Then a gasp. Then shouts of "Praise be!"

  "What the hell is going on?" Victoria Hoar demanded. She looked out over the water. Her red mouth froze open.

  "What the fuck?" said Reverend-General Eldon Sluggard.

  For running across the water toward the Seaworthy Gargantuan was the Master of Sinanju.

  He ran on top of the swells. His sandaled feet made little splashes, but other than that proof of contact with the water he appeared to be floating across the Gulf.

  "I do not believe it," Victoria sputtered.

  "I told you! I told you!" shouted Eldon Sluggard. "He is the devil, the very devil. He ain't human!"

  As everyone watched open-mouthed, Chiun sprinted to the hull of the Seaworthy Gargantuan. He leapt upon the slippery black hull like a spider. He clung for a moment, then there came a sound like a metal punch going through sheet steel. The sound was repeated. It came again.

  Sluggard leaned over the rail.

  Below, he saw the old Oriental scaling the hull. With each step, Chiun jammed a finger into the hull. That was what was causing the sound. He used the resulting holes for finger and toe grips.

  Eldon Sluggard jumped with each sound.

  "Save me! Save me!" he wailed, ducking behind Victoria Hoar. He got down on his knees and blubbered.

  "A miracle!" the Paladins of the Lord cried. "It's a sign from Heaven!" They lined the rails to watch, their weapons forgotten.

  Chiun came over the rail. His sandals were not even wet.

  The Knights of the Lord gathered around him. They sought to touch his robe. They asked for his blessing. The Master of Sinanju evaded their hands even though he was swiftly surrounded. Fingers reached for the hem of his kimono sleeves and it was as if the cloth was insubstantial. Some hands reached out to touch his hands and withdrew, stinging. They never saw the swift, remonstrating blows that made their finger bones go numb.

  "I am Chiun."

  "Chiun. Great Chiun!" they cried. They shouted his name to the heavens.

  Chiun, taken aback, allowed his features to soften. "Did you say 'great'?" he asked.

  "Great Chiun, the messenger of the Lord!" they called. Chiun smiled. Proper acclaim. This was something new. He raised his open hands as if in blessing.

  "I call upon you to cease your war-making," he said.

  "It will be done, O Chiun."

  "Great Chiun," the Master of Sinanju corrected.

  "We have to stop this," Victoria hissed in Sluggard's ear. "He's ruining our whole plan."

  "Your whole plan. And I don't want any part of that devil. "

  "I have an idea. Start reading."

  Eldon Sluggard opened his Bible to a random page. " 'Beware false idols,' " he sang out. " 'For the devil has taken human form to tempt the guillible.' "

  He was ignored.

  Suddenly Victoria wrenched the book from Sluggard's hands. She presented it to the crowd a
round Chiun, showing the blank white pages.

  "Behold!" she cried. "The pages are blank. "The Lord is speaking through his true messenger. It's a miracle!"

  "So is walking on water," someone pointed out.

  "That's been done before," said Victoria. "This is new. "

  "Is it truly a miracle?" someone asked. The question was addressed respectfully to the Great Chiun.

  "It is a fraud," Chiun replied. "Now I command you to throw away your unnecessary weapons."

  His heart sinking, Reverend-General Sluggard watched as the rifles and bayonets and grenades went overboard. "We're dead," Victoria Hoar said.

  "Not me," said Eldon Sluggard. "I'm outta here!" He started to belly over the rail.

  "Don't be a fool. Look at those speedboats out there."

  "You know that old sayin', better the devil you know than the devil you don't?"

  "Yes."

  "It don't apply here," said Reverend-General Eldon Sluggard just before he went over the rail. It was a long fall. He hit the water with a huge splash. Sluggard bobbed up on his stomach, facedown, his empty scabbard floating beside him.

  A speedboat filled with Revolutionary Guards puttered up and he was pulled from the water. The victorious cries from below indicated that the Iranians recognized the face of their hated enemy Reverend Eldon Sluggard. The speedboat dug in and raced for shore.

  On the shore, Remo had routed the Iranians. It was a disappointment. He had hoped to inflict more damage. But as soon as the first few fell with assorted internal injuries, the others turned tail and ran. Remo ran after them. He kicked whirling tires flat. He popped the treads of the decrepit tanks. But the soldiers he pulled out of the ruined vehicles were mostly boys. Few of them looked older than thirteen. Remo hadn't the heart to kill any of them. He sent them on their way with solid kicks to the seats of their khaki pants.

  Disgusted, he returned to shore.

  On a little hillock, the Grand Ayatollah was shouting imprecations at the Gulf. His bony fists shook with rage. His beard collected spittle from his sphincterlike mouth.

  Remo came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder.

  "Hi! Remember me?"

  The Grand Ayatollah whirled. His eyes registered shock, then fear as he realized he was alone and with whom.

  "Not so brave now?" Remo asked, knowing that the man did not understand English.

  "Down, down, USA!" the mullah shouted suddenly, and started off. Remo stepped on the hem of his camelhair robe. The Grand Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran fell to the ground.

  "You know, people said a lot of bad things about the Shah, but you jerks are the pits," Remo said. "I ought to snap your scrawny neck, but my orders are to avoid making this crisis worse than it is."

  "Down, down, USA!" the Grand Ayatollah spat. It seemed to be the only English he knew or understood.

  "Somewhere I read that the reason you people started this revolution was that the Shah had some of your mullahs' turbans pulled off when they started throwing their weight around. You've caused the world a lot of pain over a damned length of cloth."

  And placing a foot on the Grand Ayatollah's heaving chest, Remo took one end of his turban and pulled. The pile of cloth unwound in a twinkling. Remo threw it aside.

  "Chiun tells me that was the second worst thing you can do to one of you mullahs. The first is to shave off your beards. Too bad I didn't bring my scissors."

  The Grand Ayatollah spat on Remo's loafers.

  "Well, what the hell," Remo said. "Anything worth doing is worth doing thoroughly." And he got down on the Grand Ayatollah's chest. He started plucking at the man's beard. With each pluck the Grand Ayatollah howled.

  When Remo finally stood up, the Grand Ayatollah was as clean-shaven as a baby's behind.

  The Grand Ayatollah, tears erupting from his eyes, screamed his wrath at Remo.

  "I don't know what you're saying, pal, but I'm sure the proper response is, 'That's the biz, sweetheart.' " Remo walked away grinning.

  Chapter 25

  Remo Williams saw that the Gulf was quiet. Chiun was standing in the forecastle of the Seaworthy Gargantuan, hands tucked into his sleeves. He was addressing Sluggard's disarmed forces. Remo couldn't hear what Chiun was saying, but he noticed that the speedboats of the Revolutionary Guards were standing off the tanker, as if uncertain what to do.

  Remo dived into the water and sought them out. He crippled their idling propellers with snapping blows of his hands and then punctured the hulls from below.

  The boats sank swiftly. Underwater, Remo reached out for the floundering Revolutionary Guards and pulled them under. He jabbed them in critical areas of the spine, not enough to paralyze them, but to ruin their coordination. If some didn't make it to shore, Remo reasoned, it was not his fault. Just the natural expression of the law of survival of the fittest.

  Remo used Chiun's finger holes in the side of Seaworthy Gargantuan to reach the deck.

  Chiun observed Remo's sopping clothes disdainfully. "This is my son," he told the crowd. "Remo." Immediately the Crusaders fell to their knees in supplication.

  "The son of the Great Chiun!" they cried. "Great Remo. "

  "He is not great. He is adequate."

  "Adequate Remo," they exulted. "Praise be to Adequate Remo."

  Chiun turned to Remo.

  "Now do you understand?" he whispered. "This is how these things begin. These people will go back to their homes and tell of Chiun the Great and the Adequate Remo. They will start churches. They will make up rules to keep their followers in line, and in a mere three or four centuries, we will be considered deities ourselves."

  Remo saw the worshipful gazes being directed at him. They reminded him of the expression on his own face when he was with Reverend Sluggard's ministry. Their sheeplike acceptance disgusted him.

  "You've made your point," Remo said quietly. "It is ridiculous. It is wrong."

  "I said you made your point," Remo repeated testily.

  "Let us give tribute to the Great Chiun." This from a kneeling member of the crowd.

  "We have had enough of your tribute," Chiun began to say.

  But when the coins and paper money, not to mention whole wallets, began falling at his sandaled feet, Chiun whispered to Remo, "Do not just stand there. Help me collect my rightful tribute from these proper worshipers of perfection."

  "You can't take money from them under false pretenses, Little Father," Remo said. "It's wrong."

  "And it is a long boat ride home. We must keep these cretins in line. And what better way to do it than this? Besides, if they are so deluded that they take me for a higher being, how is that my mistake?"

  "Tell you what, you take care of this. I'll handle Sluggard and Victoria. Where are they?"

  "I do not know," Chiun said, tearing open a fat wallet. He threw the identification cards and the credit cards overboard and stuffed the money into a secret pocket in his kimono.

  "The Iranians got Reverend Sluggard," said a pimple-faced Crusader. He pointed toward the coastline.

  A speedboat had slowed in the water. Revolutionary Guards were wading ashore. They carried the limp bloated body of Reverend Eldon Sluggard like a fat pig being hoisted to a feast.

  Remo's first impulse was to go after Sluggard. He hesitated at the rail. Then he said, "Screw him. He's not worth it. That just leaves Victoria."

  Remo searched the ship. He found Victoria Hoar on the captain's bridge, high in the white superstructure. Victoria was giving orders to the captain.

  "You listen to me. We've got to dump these people. They're all witnesses to the company's involvement. Get us out to the open sea, and we'll herd them into a flood-control compartment and let the water in. We can dump the bodies on the way home."

  "Not a very Christian attitude," Remo said coolly. Victoria Hoar turned suddenly. Remo was leaning across the doorjamb. He stood on one leg, the other crossed over it. His bare arms were folded.

  "Remo!"

  "Why don't y
ou excuse us," Remo told the captain.

  "You are not the master of this vessel," the captain protested.

  Remo changed the captain's mind. He knocked out a window and dangled him out of it. When he felt the captain secure a handhold, he let go. The captain scrambled down the superstructure like a frightened monkey. "Sluggard's in Iranian hands," Remo said quietly.

  "For him that's a fate worse than death. But he deserved it, the idiot."

  "I gather from what I overheard that you're the real brain behind this. Right?"

  Victoria Hoar dug out a cigarette and lit it. She exhaled smoke slowly.

  "Yes. He hadn't the brains of a gnat. But he had a gift and I knew how to control him. I suppose you have a lot of obvious questions."

  "Yeah. "

  "You know it wasn't over the nail," she went on, nervously pacing the bridge. "That was just a device. I spotted the nail on a trip to Tehran. It's a fake. Even Sluggard didn't believe it was the true nail. I was desperate to get my company back in the black. When I first saw the nail, the whole scheme came to me in a flash. Divine inspiration, you might say. All I needed was the right front man. Sluggard was my first choice. He was perfect."

  "I know. Chiun has the nail. It says 'Made in Japan' on it."

  Victoria Hoar blew out a little laugh with her smoke. "It could have worked. With enough Crusaders, we could have gained control of the oil fields. The damned war had sapped Iran of fighting men so badly, they were an easy mark. Believe it or not, we could have taken over. If not this time, then next."

  "Maybe. But not without breaking a lot of eggs."

  "Excuse me?"

  "Your cannon fodder. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs."

  Victoria Hoar shrugged. "I didn't invent testosterone. I just know how to harness it. So what's next? Do you surrender me to the authorities?"

  "We don't work that way."

  "And who's we?"

  "The fact that you know that there is a 'we' makes you a liability."

  Victoria Hoar blinked. She looked at Remo's face. It was hard. The mouth, unsmiling, looked cruel. Even the eyes, which back in Thunderbolt had been so guileless, were now deep and pitiless. He was a different Remo now. But he was still a man. And all men respond to one thing. She stubbed out her cigarette and stepped up to him. She tugged at his belt buckle, a friendly, playful tug.